Is it Jealousy? Or is it…Something Else?
When a friendship falls apart, someone behaves strangely, or things suddenly turn tense, the explanation is always the same: she’s jealous of you!
It’s an explanation that’s become almost automatic. But the more I observe female friendships, the more I realize jealousy doesn’t explain all of the unpleasant, draining, and destabilizing behavior we experience.
There’s something about being an expat that makes you hyper-aware of behavior and personalities. Since you’re relatively new to a place and don’t have your ride or dies, you’re more open than you would normally be. You find yourself in situations, entanglements, group chats, and friendships that perhaps you wouldn’t have entered before. Maybe it’s age, but you feel, at times, critical of the new people you’re meeting and a bit romantic about the ones you left behind.
At times, you wonder, “Is it me? Am I the drama?”…and perhaps at times you are!
But after a few… bizarre interactions over the years have left me reeling, I’ll submit to you that at times you’re not.
It’s time to address our misplaced focus on jealousy and highlight some other dynamics that can derail a friendship.
Both in person and on social media, you’re constantly cautioned about women wanting what you have.
You’ve probably heard versions of this before:
“Don’t be friends with anyone who wants to be you.”
“If you’ve got a lot going for you, don’t be friends with anyone who doesn’t.”
“Be careful of women who are intimidated by you.”
I’m sure you’ve seen the viral text overlaid on Instagram Reels or TikTok videos that goes something like, “pray for friends who love their lives so they don’t end up envying yours.”
All of this may be true. Jealous friends can be dangerous, particularly those who envy your character, spirit, or luck.
But there are other very damaging behaviors some women display that don’t seem to have anything to do with envy.
For instance:
Why would a woman who is an attractive wife and mother, socially connected, and financially blessed, engage in undermining, belittling, and aggressive behavior?
Why would a woman with a great job, a husband and child, and a huge social media following feel the need to make a passive-aggressive, thinly veiled social media video referencing my content?
Why do some women take one look at you, or the people in your network, and immediately attach themselves very tightly to you?
Let’s talk about what, outside of envy, might be driving these behaviors.
It’s my contention that some women aren’t jealous but are simply:
Unhealed.
The older I get, the more I notice that many people are still grappling with past wounds. We have all been through something, some more than others, and I say this without judgment. At some point, you have to stop trying to understand the ranting and raving about topics from almost a decade ago, the unexplainable anger, the hot-and-cold switching, the twisting of words and intentions. You don’t have to forgive it. You don’t have to endure it. But you do have to accept that some people are just not okay.
Wannabe Queen Bees.
Some women truly believe their place is at the top of a pyramid they invented in their heads. They like you, but they want you to know that they are the queen. They choose the restaurant, interrupt you while speaking, treat service people poorly, and suck the air out of the room. She’s not jealous of you. In fact, she likes you. But she wants you to know that you are beneath her. She often feels the need to correct you, sometimes directly, sometimes through subliminal messages on social media. The city you’re going to? She was there ten years ago before all the “nobodies” arrived. Maybe she invites you to a private shopping appointment and then belittles the staff in your presence. And don’t you dare stand up to her or disagree with her. The wrath that follows will test every ounce of your restraint. It’s all just a way for her to signal to you that she is on top. Of what exactly? Not me!
Intellectually Challenged.
Some people simply cannot understand analogies, metaphors, or conversations that build on ideas. They don’t read or follow current events. They don’t know how to explore thoughts, follow a thread, or layer ideas together. They take offense at harmless jokes. They don’t hear your perspective. They can’t understand that the story you just told has nothing to do with them. You find yourself over-explaining and belaboring points to ensure clarity. At first, you assume it is malice. It’s not. They’re just not bright.
Controllers.
Some women believe it is their role to manage the environment and everyone around them. Every interaction becomes something to review, correct, or reinterpret. A lunch turns into a follow-up message about what you said, how you said it, and how it made them feel. Conversations are dissected. Intentions are questioned. They regale you with stories of what others did wrong, how others behaved poorly, copied them, or crossed some invisible line. Before long, you find yourself minding what you say and wondering how you ended up in such a dynamic at your big age.
Strategic.
