When the Home Becomes the Danger Zone
In the past few weeks, I’ve found myself stopping mid-scroll, again and again. Another name. Another woman. Another story that ends the same way. I don’t know if femicide is happening more often or if we are simply getting more aggressive about bearing witness.
In just the past two weeks in the United States, we lost Dr. Cerina Fairfax, Pastor Tammy McCollum, Vice Mayor Nancy Metayer, Ashly Robinson, Qualeshia Barnes, Davonta Curtis, Barbara Deer, and Ashanti Allen. Eight women. In two weeks. That we know of.
And last weekend, in Shreveport, Louisiana, a man shot his wife, then drove to another home and killed eight children ages 3 to 11. Seven of them were his own. These are husbands and fathers.
The numbers behind these names are staggering. According to a 2025 UN Women and UNODC report, in 2024, about 60 percent of all intentional killings of women and girls were in the private sphere. Meaning an average of 137 women and girls are killed every day by someone in their own family. In Africa, the rate is 3 victims per 100,000 women, the highest in the world. In Europe, 64 percent of women killed were murdered by their intimate partners. The home, in other words, is the most dangerous place.
So what can we actually do? We can’t control men. I can influence my husband and try to raise my son differently. We can donate, we can vote, we can advocate. But what about protecting ourselves and loved ones, right now, in our own lives? I’m deeply opposed to the “gender wars”, and yet it is hard to argue with the women who say forget it all and opt out of relationships entirely. But what about the women who still want a family?
This piece is my own small attempt to feel like I can offer something useful. It may be imperfect. But it comes from a perhaps naive belief that we have some agency over who we allow into our lives, that the rhetoric we engage in shapes women’s decisions, and that naming what to watch for is a place to start.
It’s also for you if you have a friend or loved one in a situation that worries you. Sometimes we see things more clearly from the outside, and sometimes having the language helps us have the conversation.
Some Things Are Unforgivable
Many of our cultures and religions encourage us to endure, to forgive, to seek solutions in prayer or with elders. I understand where that comes from. But there are things I would urge you never to overlook in a partner — or any family member in a domestic situation — no matter what you have been taught. I would rather say that plainly than not say it at all.
Do Not Suffer in Silence
Tell someone. Tell one trusted friend. Tell your therapist. If something happens, call the police and put it on record, even if you think you are overreacting. Even if you think no one will believe you.
I often think about Nicole Kidman’s character in Big Little Lies, married to the man everyone envies. Beautiful home, gorgeous couple, perfect image. Her therapist tells her something I have never forgotten: You cannot bring abuse up for the first time when you are asking for custody. You have been helping build his perfect image. No one will believe you.
Do not let that be you. Make a scene in public if you have to. Refuse to carry their secret for them.
Watch from 2:48 for what the therapist tells her
Rhetoric That Isolates the Women Who Need Us Most
We need to be mindful of the content we make and the rhetoric we repeat, because some of it shames the very women we are trying to protect.
The Money Myth
The first is financial. I tend to recoil at the advice that offers “financial independence” as the answer to everything. Undoubtedly, making your own money helps but look at the women we are mourning right now. Dr. Cerina Fairfax was a dentist and the breadwinner. Vice Mayor Nancy Metayer held public office. Pastor Tammy McCollum led a congregation. These were not women who lacked resources, standing, or independence.
Many women work extraordinarily hard and still do not out-earn their partners. That is an economic reality. Suggesting they pick up a side hustle, or pivot to a more lucrative field on top of everything they are already carrying is an additional burden dressed up as empowerment.
What protects women is community, visibility, and the safety to speak to non-judgmental ears, before it reaches the unsurvivable point. We must support the women around us, and not make them feel foolish or alone for the size of their paycheck or lack thereof.
On Staying For The Kids
We look down on the previous generation who “stayed for the kids”. Today many women still do but don’t feel permitted to speak on it. And many of them are making a calculation that is far more complex than we give them credit for.
Without question, witnessing violence or tension at home is harmful to children. But leaving is not always the cleaner option. A woman who stays may be making a deliberate choice to remain where she can shield her children and keep eyes on what is happening, rather than hand them over to a custody arrangement she cannot control. In Switzerland, custody is automatically split 50/50 unless there are exceptional circumstances. In many other countries, leaving can mean losing access to your children entirely. Growing up, I knew of fathers who cut off all contact between mother and child the moment she tried to leave. For a mother trying to protect her children from an unstable or wicked man, losing half her time with them, and control over who else enters their lives, is a different kind of nightmare.
Women already carry so much. The least we can do is stop adding shame to the weight.
The Patterns That Escalate
I’m not a therapist or a criminologist. What I am is a woman who has been paying close attention for a long time. I have seen things, read the news and leant an ear to others. Here is what I know and would caution other women to never overlook.
Addiction
I say this with compassion rather than judgment. Beating addiction requires a superhuman amount of will and dedication, from the person themselves and from everyone who loves them. Beyond the physical or financial toll, addiction travels with shame. People carrying secrets will go to dangerous lengths to protect them. People carrying shame, are often full of a self-loathing that is often unleashed on the people closest to them. If you are still in the dating phase, I would think very carefully before deciding this is not a dealbreaker.
Maliciousness
The person who remembers every slight and bides their time. Who goes below the belt in minor disagreements. Who plots and schemes. I once knew a man who was always in litigation, with neighbors, former friends, business partners, always the victim of someone else’s betrayal. An offended man with a long memory is one of the most treacherous things you can imagine. That pattern does not stay outside the front door.
The Oversized Ego
Quick to blame. Easily embarrassed. Can never laugh at himself. Needs constant validation through success, recognition, and flattery. This ego will require more than you can ever give it. And when the outside world stops feeding it, the demand turns toward you. Walking on eggshells. Running interference. Slowly becoming the guardian of someone else’s emotional stability at the expense of your own.
How He Handles Rejection and Loss
Watch what happens when things do not go his way. Not in love necessarily, but in life. Does he lose a business deal with grace or does he make it someone else’s fault? Does a friendship end cleanly or does it become a campaign? Is he able to be passed over, turned down, or disappointed without it becoming a defining wound? A man who cannot metabolize loss in ordinary life will not metabolize it when the loss is you. This is one of the clearest things I know, and one of the most overlooked.
Choking
The normalization of choking during sex deserves a conversation. What is being repackaged as being “freaky” is an act that can cause permanent neurological damage, stroke, and death. It has moved from the extreme edges of culture to the mainstream, and with the rise of casual encounters, young women are increasingly experiencing this with men they barely know.
Women who experience non-fatal strangulation by an intimate partner are 750% more likely to be murdered by that partner in the future. This figure relates to intimate partner violence broadly, not sexual encounters specifically. But the act is the same. Through porn and social media, we are conditioning an entire generation to experience violence as desire.
Mean to Everyone but You
There is a certain romanticization on social media of the man who is mean to everyone except you. As if his tenderness toward you is more meaningful because of his coldness toward others. Or the fantasy of a man whose strength tips into force. Some women actively seek this — the unfriendly partner, the man who doesn’t smile at strangers, especially women, whose baseline is indifference or contempt for the world. The idea being that his warmth toward you is rare and therefore precious.
It isn’t. Coldness is not selectivity. It is character. And character does not stay neatly compartmentalized. The man who is unkind to the world will eventually bring that home.
Before I go further, I want to share some personal anecdotes and observations that I would only feel comfortable discussing in a more private setting.
So the rest of this piece is for paid subscribers.
Here is a link to my free guide, The Ultimate Relationship Checklist. Nine essential factors to consider before taking the next step. Share it with anyone who needs it.